What would you do if your whole life you've been told that success is defined by academic achievement, compliance with parental demands and a vaguely defined philosophical "depth"? And then you suddenly get to a point in life where it wasn't enough to be consistently employed or to live a life full of freedom and purpose? And what would you do if on top of that, you lived with a parent who used to push you towards achievement, but now treats you like an extension of themself, controlling what you can and can't do?
Some would have the drive to organize themselves, gather resources and get out of the situation somehow and ideally stay out. And in a perfect world, everyone would have the courage and fortitude to be this way.
My sense, however, (which, full disclosure, is not perfect by any means) is that some people would just give in to the pressure, following the latest command and putting up with every order given to them. Needless to say, this outcome is tragic and disheartening as it amounts to the extinguishing of free will. Some might begin to use it as an excuse to turn to coping mechanisms with the express purpose of attaining some form of immediate gratification. And it's all too easy to unconsciously confuse that with a sense of self-actualization. This is also disheartening because this is a situation where one's sense of meaning becomes subsumed by myopic cravings and urges.
As for me, I basically had a picture in my head as to what my life should be. A life where I could create, hang out and play in the evenings, and go out to some lively social events on the weekends. And because I could not live that life openly, I had to take some time out of my night to live that life in secret, to live that life with a wide variety of wonderful people who are supportive and open-minded. I have been keeping this secret from my father for most of my adult life, because all I've ever wanted was a part of my life where I could truly be myself, while constantly learning and improving. And sadly, my father is not fully understanding of that (even though he might think he is). So I took my aforementioned idea of a good life and lived it in secret.
Unfortunately, there have been times where I've gotten carried away with that idea. And sometimes that has entailed me unwittingly letting a vibe from one setting "spill over" into a different setting that may not match. This has historically been a source of embarrassment for me, as this spillover may appear to others as awkward or chaotic (or even rude). In situations like these, it is not my intention to be rude or inconsiderate, and I certainly do not want to ruin the vibe or be a burden. I am only trying to have fun in a variety of ways, and I think one challenge for me is to be able to properly determine when I have different kinds of fun so that I don't let a certain vibe from one setting carry over into the wrong environment.
I guess this at least partially stems from me having enough of a scarcity mindset that I start to believe that each time I lived that secret life of freedom (i.e., hung out with people, gone out to drinking nights, played games, or done other things) would be the last time. And it is from this mindset that I might be trying to cram as much fun into one moment as possible.
It is my hope that I can use my secret life to learn and grow. And being with other people, from my experience, is an efficient way to ensure that one becomes more aware of their own behaviors and mindsets so they can do that. I do know that the next step to learning and growing is to reflect on one's own behavior and empathize with others.
And this has been one of the most rewarding aspects of being with everyone here. I feel like you have helped me transform from a naive person into someone who is more aware. This transformation is ongoing, and I aim to continue learning and growing.
Hopefully, I can get to the point where I can gain more independence and go to a place where I can live life more freely and openly, without being chained to the fears that stem from a scarcity mindset. And being with people is helping tremendously with that.
tl;dr I'm a sheltered guy who only knew how to get good grades growing up, my dad is a control freak, I cope by secretly socializing, I sometimes flub up, and I want to learn and grow enough so that I can break free and actually live life to the fullest.